As stated in my previous post, the reason why I created this Blog was in order to give me some kind of creative outlet as a way to distract me from my own self-pity in the midst of a pretty brutal breakup with my first love.
Nutjob (as I like to call him now) and I were together for three years. We began dating when we were both 18 and had misguided hopes that we'd be together forever.
I met him in a bar. Yes, very generic, and yes, VERY cliche. I had just started my first year at University and I was out with a couple of girlfriends celebrating the beginning of our new journeys. Needless to say, I didn't know that my journey was just about to begin on that very night, and when it did it was gonna be a doozy.
There he was. Sinking back drinks with a bunch of rowdy males. I don't know what exactly attracted me to him in the first place, but I think it was this unique air of confidence he carried; a certain swagger. People just gravitated toward him like a magnet. At that period of my life that 'bad boy' arrogance was (sadly) enough to send me off kilter in dizzyful lust - who doesn't like a good bad boy? - And, a couple of drinks and an exhange of numbers later, we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Our relationship started out very intense. And when I look back on it now I see the red flags which I didn't see (or chose not to see) at the time. He was quick to profess his love for me- uttering those three magic words on our second date. He talked about marriage and kids and what those kids names would be two weeks in. And two months in I was floating on a cloud with him in complete and utter passionate bliss.
We did EVERYTHING together. All those corny Hallmark manufactured things couples in love do; dates at the movies, dinners, romantic walks, mini golf, video games.. you name it. He clung to me like I was some sort of goddess, and it felt so good. The constant texts, phone calls, wanting to be with me 24/7, was in itself magic, and I felt so lucky to be adored to such an extent. However, it was about 6-12 months into the relationship where I started to see things about him which I previously did not see. . For a guy who held as much spark and pizazz as a firecracker on NYE, it was obviously a bit of a suprise when I saw him curled up in bed crying his eyes out telling me 'he wanted to die'. I gave him a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to, and thought that perhaps it was just work stressing him out. He refused to talk about whatever it was going on. Just that "I don't know who i am. I feel empty." I remember looking in his eyes and finding that sparkle gone. He was a stranger, cold and distant.
The bouts of depression become more frequent and more intense. he turned to drugs to self-medicate. He began committing petty crimes. He trash-talked his best friends, his family, and even me. I couldn't believe that this person was the same guy who used to inject laughter and happiness into others like the plague. Now, he was a cruel, cold-hearted and angry monster. I missed the guy I once knew and loved. His addiction and erratic behavior began to tear friendships apart, his family relationship apart, and sadly, ours.
One day, after claiming that he no longer knew what he wanted in life I asked if he still wanted me. He said he "needed space" and wanted to "find himself". A 'break'. A break, I later found out, that he was sharing with another girl! Three years of solid loving, no fights, no arguments and here I was- discarded, hurt, and worst of all, lied to by the one guy who I thought I could trust. I remember spending day and night crying, crying, crying. It was the hardest time of my life and I didn't expect it to get much worse. I was then told that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and that, basically, he wasn't capable of sustaining real love. That basically, i was living with an illusion for those three years. And that the 6 months I spent grieving over him, he had already romanced and broke up with three different girls without even a hint of remorse for what he did to me. It was if I never even existed to him.They said he can't be treated, and that with the drug abuse and refusal to seek help, there was no hope for change. That I'd never see that guy I once knew ever again.
BUT!
Despite all of this, and despite what *couldn't* be done to help and change him, I was still able to help and change myself.
So, from that point on I decided to let Nutjob go. I deleted him from my cell, from my social networking sites, and attempted to erase him from my mind. I joined the gym, I took up reading and writing again (he hated books) and revisited my love for surfing.(he hated the beach) and slowly without realising, I was getting better.
Today I found myself smiling for no reason.
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